A Step Forward

Standing at the edge of my most favorite creek spot; I marveled at how much it has changed these last three years. When I first arrived at this sacred space the creek was wide and split in two. A sandbank with a large cottonwood tree sat in the center. The creek split and came together again on the other side of the tree. There was a beaver dam in this same split which enhanced the separation of the creek. I was once lucky to see these beavers swimming and playing in the cool water of the spring months. Over time the summer light faded into fall. The beavers left. There was a deer standing in the early morning light of one particular fall morning. She was beautiful and as red as the most beautiful of auburn hair. We stood and watched one another. Practicing mindfulness I stayed fully present and waited for her to make her move. Many months passed. The creek froze over and the ground was covered with snow. The leaves now gone left the trees barren and black against the snow. The water itself was cold and dark; although clear and still flowing. Again spring came...and summer....and fall. Two years passed and the creek bed had shifted. Although still split it was now narrow on the right and the left became wider. The sand bank in the center had collected more grit and stood to be much larger than before. Blue Herons flew above my head and the dragonflies hatched. Last summer I saw two dragonflies mating in the air right in front of me. It was a beautiful connection - the dragonfly which represents all illusion; merging and becoming one. I wondered; when illusion integrates with illusion, does this manifest into disillusionment?
Again months passed...
As I stand here now, once again in the heat of the summer, the creek has almost become one. The split has become a solid bank of sand and grit. The creek has widened and all but taken over the spot I once sat with my favorite oak tree and practiced yoga.
And now I am leaving this space...
This sacred spot has become my refuge. When I need silence, when my mind needs release, when my heart feels pain, when I must shed my tears, when I need to feel my teachers and the Light, when I must connect with my Truth...this is the place that brought these to me. And as I reflect upon these last three years I have awareness that this creek's transformation is reflective of my own. I was split. Split between who I was and who 'I Am'. A dam around my heart center protecting me from the pain of my past. A tree rooting me to the Earth and my own foundation - and yet, the waters of emotion rushing over and around this foundation; causing the pendulum to swing and shift and swirl and twist. The dam came down. My heart opened. There was release. Yes, sometimes the flow came to a sudden stop and sometimes it overflowed its banks and ran out into the Earth. There have been moments of structure and discipline, strength and staying within the boundaries. There have also been moments of rush, and overflow and running out.
And now we are almost one...
Although there is still a split; the integration is almost complete. The energy has found a way to become one and begin moving in a different direction. The flow of Life is carrying me forward - in a way it hasn't before and in a direction that was unexpected.
There is still suffering. There is still confusion. There is still loss. There is still loneliness. There is still grief and pain and anger. But, there is also still Light. There is Trust. There is Patience. There is Hope. There is Acceptance and Grace and Forgiveness. There is a peaceful contentment that comes with consciousness. Each moment I fall back into my 'old Self' and patterns of my past - consciousness pulls me out of it. Being present with my thoughts and desires keeps me grounded and allows me to come back to a neutral space.
Osho speaks of consciousness:
"We come from the unknown and we go on moving into the unknown. We will come again...Our essential being is immortal but our body, our embodiment, is mortal. Our frame in which we are, our houses, the body, the mind, they are made of material things. They will get tired, the will get old, they will die. But your consciousness, for which Bodhidharma uses the word 'no-mind' - is something beyond body and mind, something beyond everything; that no-mind is eternal. it comes into expression and goes again into the unknown..."
Nature is a direct reflection of this. Perhaps, years from now, I will return to this creekside. It will look different. It will have come and gone - moving into and out of unknown spaces. The animals will grow and populate and pass on and begin again. The cyclical nature of Mother Earth will continue to move forward in an effort to sustain itself. It never questions; it never worries. It never contemplates its path or the direction it is moving. Nature moves, it moves to survive.
And so we must also survive...
For those of you that know me; I am a living example of the intensity of life and the extreme swings of the pendulum of survival. In my own efforts to break through the boundaries of human nature; I have come to know myself. You have seen me experience pain with the same intensity that moments later I experience love. I have shared my journey of healing and the difficulties we face as we leave relationships that have dissolved and the strength we feel when we overcome emotional barriers that have kept us locked in unhealthy spaces. I have been and will continue to be - there for you as you also shatter, fall, drop and dissolve. For my process; it is time now to put all of the pieces of myself together.
I have seen friends, lovers, clients and family - fall apart, act out, over-analyze, criticize. We have addictions, pain...fear. But you also have talent, intelligence, creativity and an overwhelming individuality that makes you unique. Each person in my life mirrors a piece of myself. As we gaze into the mirror that is the person in front of us; ask ourselves, What do I see in them that is also in me?
Our greatest lessons often come from those that we connect with.
Those lessons will appear and re-appear as often as we need them.
Those that we remain connected to reflect both our shadow and light and help us to integrate into our Selves.
And So It Is.
By Lisa Marie Toal